I have read many books about
the important relationship between men and their fathers. The influence of a father
figure in the lives of boys has unmistakable evidence. I would like to join the
debate, not to further state the importance of a father figure; though,
undoubtedly the significance of the present, contributing and involved male figure
to the development of boys has been well documented. I have seen the impact on my husband of an
absent father and agree that this is an issue that needs to be highlighted.
Nevertheless, I would like
to suggest that a woman needs her mother too.
I presume to some extent it is a taken for granted assumption that a
young girl once developed into womanhood knows instinctively how to mother,
nurture her children and connect with her husband and those around her. The truth is these are made easier through
the connection we make with our mothers and or relevant female primary care
givers early on in life. Sadly, these
relationships can become unhealthy and hurtful and leave us without the
necessary tools to effectively manage important roles and responsibilities. As a result some of us fumble our way through
life, never knowing what is wrong and how to fix it.
A woman needs her mother to
teach her how to be a wife and mother. This includes learning much more than
how to manage the domestic duties within the home. I believe the impact of a present and
emotionally available woman has tremendous effect on the blossoming young woman. From mothers the lesson of respect is learnt,
respect for your choices, opinions and beliefs. Respect for their spouses and
those around them. mothers model the importance
of setting and maintaining healthy and appropriate boundaries within marriage
and relationships; this relationship teach the value and importance of connecting
with and nurture her children and help with making the transition into
womanhood.
Many things prevent some
women from being present enough to provide appropriate and necessary guidance
to girls. For example, the woman that does not have any good examples of her
own to draw from, the mother who also struggled with her own issues of abuse,
rejection and lack of maternal connection.
These issues in advertently gets passed on to the children. Therefore, for
some women the relationship between them and their mother has been fraught with
the pain of abuse, rejection, abandonment and a host of other issues that may
hinder them from moving on without support.
If you are one of these women
and your experiences with your mother have been such that you need to work
through any difficulties or pain, see a counsellor or find a trusted and wise
person to talk to.
I can also appreciate that
it is difficult for some to
acknowledge that there was anything but love and peace in their homes and in
their relationships with their mothers.
It somehow seems disloyal to voice and put a name to the feelings and
logjam of emotions that cripples and hinder effective connection with others. Should
you be thinking that giving credence to these thoughts somehow makes you a
horrible person? It does not; being honest with you is good place to be. It is the place where healing and restoration
begins.
Do not deny your feelings. It is useful to add that sometimes approaching
your mother or care giver does not mean that your feelings will be
validated. Trust your feelings and your
memories of what you experienced and seek help to process and move on from
them. Healing is possible and
achievable.
