QUEEN OF EVERYTHING

A friend gave me a lovely and poignant birthday present (if there is such a thing), it was a plaque that read ‘QUEEN OF EVERTYHING’. As I read the sign, I saw the irony and laughed along with everyone.  I reflected to myself that a mare few months ago this would have hit a raw nerve.  The plaque reminded me of a decision I made after having the twins some 8 years ago.  I decided then, that I would not be super woman.  However over the years comments from friends was sensitising me to the fact that perhaps, I was not winning this particular battle.

I supposed like many other mother, I had been juggling too many balls.  Every now and then I would add another and another, either out of guilt, self improvement or people pleasing.  I arrived at a crossroads, where I had to face some uncomfortable questions ‘why are you doing that? Who is it for? Do I really need to be this busy? Was my business a smoke screen, design to shut out something else?  Some people keep busy because it leaves little time to think or sometimes feel.   Continuous activity keeps out the invariable drip, drip of life.  Things such as a painful past, an uncomfortable conversation, situation or event can be blocked out.

This reminds me of an incident I had late one night.  I was awake until very late cooking for a party; as the house and street settled for the night, certain noises became louder and that is when I heard it.  The sound of a tap running, I stopped and listened for awhile and the noise also stopped. I resumed my task and the noise disappeared.  I settled and it reappeared, this continued for a while until I made the decision to stop and listen intently.  At this point the sound came through clearly. I was able to identify the source and found the bathroom tap running and was able to turn it off; this would have been running for hours.

I reflected then about situations in our lives, incidents of pain and brokenness that we shove to the background, trying desperately to drown them out with the business of life.    Some use drugs both legal and illegal, some use work, the intensity of climbing the career ladder, can keep one very busy and some engages in ‘working for God’.  With all these activities, we might at times succeed in pushing the noise to the background.   However, other times it will hum louder and louder refusing to be ignored.  Breakdowns and burnouts could be the result.  Whatever the medium used, nothing will be successful in covering the tip, tap of a pain that needs addressing, a problem that needs fixing or a relationship that needs mending.

I would encourage you to stop hiding, putting off or ignoring that issue that needs dealing with.  There are so many ways that God minister to our emotional needs.  He oftentimes uses a person prepared to listen, a book, a card, a track, a sermon or a course. There are countless ways that this can be done, If you can relate to this, attend to that drip before it overflows. Stop long enough to investigate the source of your unease and find help and support to attend to this need.

 

SAME MOUNTAIN

Have you ever tried to capture that perfect moment on your mobile phone, click, and the message comes up camera stopped! storage low! Most fraustratingly that happened to me recently.  With a sigh I set about deleting old photos, Apps and anything I thought was expendable, many sacrifices were made. A couple days later I was faced with the same message.  As you can imagine by now, fraustration is mounting, will this phone ever be free?   I made the decision then to transfer photos etc to my laptop, in an effort to free up space on my mobile.  This was even more of a laborious process than I envisage.  Being ‘techonologically’ challenged, I was assisted with this task.  To my amazement as we open different parts of the phone, places I did not know existed, we found data, photos and images that I thought was deleted at least two years ago.  I thought these were gone however; they were in fact still on my phone clogging up the devise, taking up space that I needed for storage today. 

The pieces of the puzzle were fianlly being put into place, I eventually received the answer to my why’s? space I had created never seem to materialised. I would delete pictures but still continue to have storage problems.  They were in thumbnail and all over influencing how my phone operates.

This experience demonstrates effectively the impact on the mind of the things encountered in earliy life.  Some incidents in childhood would have left an indelible impression on your mind and will be influencing your decisions, how you function as an individual and indeed how you live your life.  There is a common error that is being perpetrated.  This sugggests  that because we are christians and have given our lives to Christ experiences that are painful and sometimes traumatic will automatically be deleted and disappear forever.  However, as in the demonstration with my mobile, they are not deleted, rather they revert to the background and continues to influence how we live, interact with others and even impact how we relate to God.

Take Loraine for example, she has been married for 20 years and have two children. both Loraine and her husband are in their early 40’s.  Loraine suffered rejection and neglect as a child, she was not the family favourite and was often left out. received no affection or emotional contact and as result struggles greatly in these areas.  Loraine became a chistian and has worked hard to forgive and forget.  However, her issues with rejection never left, this has now been accoumpanied by jelosuy.  She has harboured the thought for many years that her husband would leave, after all people usully rejects her.  loranine struggles to make friends with the other ladies in church, believing they all want her husband.  This came to a head when she accused one sister of having a relationship with her husband.  Loraine has been here before, but despite her husbands many assurances still feels he will rejcet her.  Loraine constantly self sabotages relationships, subconsciously rationalizing that as people will leave, she should protect herself by leaving first.  In order for this fear of rejection to leave and not have such a hold on Loriane’s life she needs to face and get help to move pass it.  I believe when we are aware of the ways we are impacted by the pass and the issues that are now affecting our relationships we are in a better position to move on from them.  In order to delete it completely and limit the chances of it causing problems in the future we need to seek help.

However beginning to untangle the impact of the pass can be a very uncomfortable, frightening and sometimes painful journey.  Nevertheless, beginning to get rid of the stuff that are hidden in the background that are still interrupting and influencing our Christian walk and muddling relationships is a journey worth taking, avoidance just keeps you going around the same issues over and over and over again. trapped in the same unhealthy habits, making the same mistakes and hoping for a different outcome.

This conversation can begin with an open, honest and authentc talk with God. You do not have to have a relationship with him to begin this dialogue.  Just as you would take up the telephone and call a friend to share your hurts and pain, prayer is like talking to a friend.  It does not have to be fancy words or well rehearshed speeches, from the heart tell him where you are and how you are feeling. I love the way David  in the Psalm was never afraid to tell God just how he feels ‘Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; and attend to the voice  of my supplications. In the day of my trouble I will call  upon you and you will answer me.’ Ps 86:6.  

A WOMAN NEEDS HER MOTHER TOO

I have read many books about the important relationship between men and their fathers. The influence of a father figure in the lives of boys has unmistakable evidence. I would like to join the debate, not to further state the importance of a father figure; though, undoubtedly the significance of the present, contributing and involved male figure to the development of boys has been well documented.  I have seen the impact on my husband of an absent father and agree that this is an issue that needs to be highlighted.

Nevertheless, I would like to suggest that a woman needs her mother too.  I presume to some extent it is a taken for granted assumption that a young girl once developed into womanhood knows instinctively how to mother, nurture her children and connect with her husband and those around her.  The truth is these are made easier through the connection we make with our mothers and or relevant female primary care givers early on in life.  Sadly, these relationships can become unhealthy and hurtful and leave us without the necessary tools to effectively manage important roles and responsibilities.  As a result some of us fumble our way through life, never knowing what is wrong and how to fix it.

A woman needs her mother to teach her how to be a wife and mother. This includes learning much more than how to manage the domestic duties within the home.  I believe the impact of a present and emotionally available woman has tremendous effect on the blossoming young woman.  From mothers the lesson of respect is learnt, respect for your choices, opinions and beliefs. Respect for their spouses and those around them.  mothers model the importance of setting and maintaining healthy and appropriate boundaries within marriage and relationships; this relationship teach the value and importance of connecting with and nurture her children and help with making the transition into womanhood.

Many things prevent some women from being present enough to provide appropriate and necessary guidance to girls. For example, the woman that does not have any good examples of her own to draw from, the mother who also struggled with her own issues of abuse, rejection and lack of maternal connection.  These issues in advertently gets passed on to the children. Therefore, for some women the relationship between them and their mother has been fraught with the pain of abuse, rejection, abandonment and a host of other issues that may hinder them from moving on without support.

If you are one of these women and your experiences with your mother have been such that you need to work through any difficulties or pain, see a counsellor or find a trusted and wise person to talk to.

I can also appreciate that it is difficult for some to acknowledge that there was anything but love and peace in their homes and in their relationships with their mothers.  It somehow seems disloyal to voice and put a name to the feelings and logjam of emotions that cripples and hinder effective connection with others. Should you be thinking that giving credence to these thoughts somehow makes you a horrible person? It does not; being honest with you is good place to be.  It is the place where healing and restoration begins.

Do not deny your feelings.  It is useful to add that sometimes approaching your mother or care giver does not mean that your feelings will be validated.  Trust your feelings and your memories of what you experienced and seek help to process and move on from them.  Healing is possible and achievable.

 

 

 

 

 

WHO AM I

WHO AM I

I am a child of the king

The apple of His eye Zech 2:8

Fearfully and wonderfully made PS. 139:14

Created in His image Gen 1:24

Redeemed by His blood Eph. 1:7

Saved by grace Eph. 2:8

I have friend that sticks closer than a brother Proverbs 18:24

I am a new creature in Christ 1Cor. 5:17

He calls me friend St. John 15:15

I am an heir with Christ Romans 8:17

I am His daughter Gal. 3:26. John 1:12

I am worth dying for Romans 5:8

He died for me St John 15:13

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